Have you seen my pants?

Back in school it was hilarious when somebody got dakked. Well hilarious to everybody except for the dakker. Such was my fear that I wore both boxers and jocks to school, in a measure to prevent my ginger-tinged pubes from being revealed to the world for ridicule. Imaging if that dackking lasted all day, yeah that would be shit. Well it actually happened.

In primary school some people dreaded mandatory swimming lessons like herpes, other like me loved them. Except for one day, that has a particular place in my memory. I think I was in grade 3, or maybe grade 4. Anyway it was primary school and whist it could have been an exceptionally shit day for me. Instead I made it an exceptionally shit day for another schoolyard chump. It was either me or him and nobody wanted to be that kid.

It was back in the mid 90’s and my class was finishing up our swimming lesson in the 25 meter cesspool that was out local indoor swimming center. As the other class emerged from the change room and started getting in the water as my class got out of the pool.

Back in the change room where I left my schoolbag and pile of clothes, as I was getting changed I realised a vital piece of clothing was missing. Some asshole has stolen my pants, yeah my fucking pants. It is not really something that I could misplace. Embarrassed as hell, I looked around the change room for my green tracksuit pants, all the time trying not to look like a fool who was missing their pants.

My entire class were dressed and waiting for the buss to take them back to school and I was alone in the change room. The clothes from the other class were lying in small individual piles on the blue benches. In a moment of sheer desperation, I grabbed the closest pants and threw them on. The standard issue green tracksuit pants fitted perfectly, the only difference between my newfound pants and my missing pair was they had patches on the knees and my absent pants did not. This was a minor distinguishing detail, I didn’t care I had pants and my schoolyard credibility was upheld.

At lunchtime, feeling slightly uneasy in my new found pants I was playing on the play equipment when I was called over by one of my fellow schoolyard chums. My heart dropped, the poor dude was wearing a white towel around his waist and I was wearing his pants. I thought the patches on the knees would give me up for sure. Knowing that I also had swimming lessons that morning he politely asked if I had seen his pants. Doing my best to hide my vanity of a pants wearer, I replied “no” and to secure my lie, I went on to enquire about what happened to mask my theft.

After that awkward conservation with my towel wearing classmate, I avoided the pants-less boy for the rest of the day. I couldn’t imagine the humiliation that he must of felt wearing a towel at school for the remainder of the day, it certainly would have shattered any schoolyard cred he had.

Somehow my mum didn’t recognise the foreign trousers and they integrated into my wardrobe. Yeah, that was mean of me to steel that poor unsuspecting kids dacks, but it was fucking harsh of the unidentified asshole that stole my pants. I felt horrible about what I did, but it was either him or me and nobody wanted to be that kid.


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