I brought a beautiful girl home and she played with my microscope.

If you have ever read Neil Strauss, The Game, you would be familiar with the term term “Average frustrated chump”, this is opposed to a player. I often like to think that I’m the later, but in reality I’m the former. This was confirmed the other night when I met a very attractive woman, we talked for hours and then she came back to my apartment. We cracked open a bottle of wine and then she played with my microscope. I would really like to say that the last part was metaphor.

It would have been at least 2 am and I was leaving my favorite late night haunt/meat market in Collingwood alone, because all my friends had piked. As I was about to hail a taxi a scruffy looking hipster chick was standing on the road holding an even rougher looking skateboard. I asked her for a ride, she obliged and held my blazer. I went alone and busted out a slide, followed by a shove-it. I then attempted a harder trick and fell on my ass. A few on looking punters either cheered, or went ouch.

This was a catalyst for several other punters attempting some tricks they could do in their youth. Some failed, others succeeded. I had a few more goes and pulled off my signature move, a hand stand while rolling. A pretty brunette had a go after me and wanted to try a few harder tricks. I held her hands and playfully instructed her for about 10 minutes. Then the scruffy hipster wanted her deck back and the brunette joined her friends on the other side of the street. A light-bulb hit, I should have gotten her number and offered to give her some sober skateboarding lessons.

By this stage she was standing with two dudes next to a taxi. Determined, I went over anyway. She introduced me to her friends that were about to get into a taxi. They asked if I want to join them at another club in the city. Fuck it, this girl was stunning, and clearly not with any of these dudes, so I joined. As I got into the taxi with the hot brunette and her two male friends, a duchy looking dude also tried to get in. The taxi driver refused as we were full and drove off. The hot brunette, said, “Shit, that guy was my date tonight”. She then started on a rant to her male friends about how she had been single for two months and that she is never single, then went on about another guy she was dating.

By this stage ‘crazy’ warning bells were ringing in my head, but she was incredibly attractive and still above the crazy hot line. The taxi dropped us off around the corner from the club and after we all got out, she paused to tie her boot laces. Her friend walked ahead and when she stood back up, I told her that I wanted to get her number to give her a skate lesson, even though she clearly didn’t have any problems getting a date. Chatting about skateboarding, we walked towards the club.

Her friends had been to the club earlier and already had stamps, so we were instructed by the bouncers to line up in the other queue. Walking over to the other queue we stopped at a windowsill where she used a lolly wrapper to demonstrate a trick her pro skater ex-boyfriend could do. Using the lolly wrapper, like a Tech Deck I showed her a few of my favorite moves. We then sat on the windowsill and chatted for the next few hours about our heritages, life, religion, languages, science and education. At one stage she mentioned that she had lost 17 kg’s. I was pretty impressed. She told me to poke her stomach, to see how firm it was. She then asked me to poke her boobs, because they were also firm. Not wanting to grope her in public I gave them a poke near the top and acting cool I was like, “yeah there pretty firm.” I told her about how I had recently lost 5 kg’s, and was working towards achieving a six pack.  She started feeling my muscles. As she was studying osteopathy, she talked me through all the names of the muscles in my back and arms, feeling each one as she went through the list.

By this stage it was getting late/early and I could see the faintness of morning light in the sky. I mentioned it was getting early and that we had been sitting there for a long time and that we should continue this conversation over a cup of tea at one of our houses. She suggested we drink something stronger, so we decided upon my place, via the 24 hour bottle shop on Chapel St.

Sauvignon Blanc in tow we got to my place as morning broke. She asked to use the bathroom. I took the opportunity to clean the empty beer bottles off my coffee table, put on some music and pull out some of my best wine glasses. I need to pee too, so when she returned from the bathroom, I told her to crack open the bottle and went to the loo. I could smell the remnants of shit in the bathroom. She must have taken a dump. Whatever, she was hot and we all have to poo sometimes.

When I returned, she asked if I had a phone charger. She had an IPhone and I use android, so I told her she was out of luck. She begged me, so I pulled out my big box of cables and together we found a charger from when I had an iPod about 10 years ago. It was a USB charger, so she sat at my desk to send a few messages.

The conservation went back to muscles, and she lifted up her dress to revel, her stomach to talk me through some of the muscle groups and layers of muscles in her stomach. As she did so, she said “this is non sexual”. But fuck, she had come back to my house, we were drinking wine and she was standing facing me with her dress lift up, reveling her black tights and one of the best midriffs I have ever seen. So I attempted to kiss her, she pushed me back, and said “hey I said this is non sexual”. Fuck! I had blown my chance. She kept with the conservation about muscles and I suggested having a cigarette on the balcony.

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As we were puffing away, she told me the story about Edmond Halley, of Halley’s Comet fame and how he was responsible for reviling Isaac Newton’s work to the world. It was a pretty cool story and she told it in detail. Determined to get in her pants, I thought that I could use my nerdiness. I told her that I had something awesome, that only someone like her, with a penchant for science would appreciate.

So I did it, I pulled my microscope out from the back of the wardrobe, where it has lived undisturbed for many years. Some people get cars from their parents for their 18th, I got a microscope. She was generally impressed. I set it up next to my computer, where her phone was charging. My fish tank also lives on my desk, so we pulled out a bit of algae to look at. Looking at the fine detail of the tank algae, she was as excited as a little kid opening their presents on Christmas day. Yeah, win for the nerd.

Thinking I might have a chance back in, strategically I showed her my shell collection. Conveniently located on a shelf in my bedroom, we sat on the end of my bed and discussed shells. She had unplugged her phone at this stage and looked at the time, it was 8:30 am, she told me that she had to go home and feed her dog. She told me that she had enjoyed hanging out and got my number, I told her to prank me so I had hers, she didn’t and I didn’t push it. Clearly I was getting nowhere, even with my shell collection. Chicks dig shells, right? She called a taxi, when it arrived she gave me a peck on the cheek and a hug. As she walked out, I yelled out “call me for a skate lesson.” She never did.

Next time I’m faced with a similar situation, fuck it I’m just going to do the naked man.

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